--- title: "On the tyranny of beauty" description: "Excessive attractiveness, the necessity of friction, and the sandboxed existance" author: "Ghaith Ayadi" site: "Verbatim" collection: "Hokum" url: "https://verbatim.ayadighaith.com/hokum/on-the-tyranny-of-beauty" date: 2026-06-10 updated: 2026-09-16 --- # On the tyranny of beauty I've been thinking about something a friend said about two years ago. It's something like: "You should really avoid those super beautiful women." He was kinda turned off by their personalities. It was like: "If she's super pretty, she never has to develop a personality." I did listen to him at the time, but I thought: Ok, fair. If she's pretty, she never has to develop her personality. Or at least I can agree that she has vastly less pressure and no more incentive. But I always believed that it is still possible. So probably, some of them do develop nice personalities because nothing prevents it, and why wouldn't they want one? Also, I thought it's more about selection. If she's super beautiful and with a very nice personality, it's hard to find, and also, to be fair, unlikely to pick you. But I've been developing a new opinion, and I think it's what he meant originally. It's not about the lack of incentive and pressure. It's that they can't. There's something about being very beautiful that stops them even if they try hard. The anatomically gifted life a strange life. Everyone is always nice to them. Nobody ever pushes on them. How would they grow? Why would you learn to listen if everyone always listens to you without you listening back? Why would you develop sophisticated opinions if you get validated on your most superficial positions? How would you learn patience if everything you wanted happens immediately? How would you learn resolve if everything goes your way? Jealousy is the biggest contributor to their stunted development. I don't mean that they suffer from it the most. I just mean it's the biggest obstacle because it's such a hard problem to solve. It's not that nobody pushes back on Attractive women. It's worse. People do push back, but it's perceived as jealousy. It's a double-edged sword. They get fake pushback that doesn't lead to a better self, and worse yet, they receive the reassuring effect of being pressured without actually having to change because the pressure is unfounded. "Hey look. I get pressured as much as everyone else, maybe even more. So I'm growing just as much". Surely some of it is indeed jealousy. I suppose most of it is especially from other women. But some of it isn't. How are they supposed to distinguish? Remember, this is not about beautiful women. It's about super beautiful women. You know the type. The "Jolene" type thing. It's not just aesthetic or sexual. It's more of a presence thing. It's grace and nobility on top of outlandish physical perfection. We're not talking about the Monica Belluccis of the world. The one in a million. We're talking about the one in a school, one in a company, one in a neighborhood. There's only one or none in each town, maybe a few in each city. In my life, I met 4 or 5. You just can't forget them. On top of not having to develop their own personality, their worldview is also very warped. They live in easy mode, and they don't even know it. They get extremely offended if someone says anything because, from their perspective, they do have a lot of difficulty and they do overcome a lot. They are completely blind to a whole class of difficulty because it just never happens to them, and it's so unexplainable when people talk about it. They think their success is because of their dedication and hard work, even if they work a couple of hours a day. Even when they actually work hard, it's so hard to see the mountain of privilege that allows them to hunker down and focus. You see this a lot in rich med students. They feel like they earned it because they worked harder than everyone on their studies. True. But isn't it true that you worked the hardest because you have the best conditions to do so? They think everyone lacks their level of intelligence, risk taking, dicipline and good attitude because their outcomes are inferior. Similar outcomes take vastly more effort, and they look down on that. "Why don't you just get an internship and learn", they wonder. They miss the fact that for most people, getting the kinds of transformational opportunities is essentially impossible. At best, it takes a lot of time and immense effort and a generous sprinkle of luck. They think people are mean and cruel while they are helpful, kind, and bright. They don't understand that people are like that because life is exhausting. They think: "If you improved your attitude, life would open more doors to you". It's true. They never question why the attitude was shit to begin with. ### Money poses a similar challenge People who have money often start their sentences with: "Why don't you...". They don't understand that everything costs money because there's an entire class of expenses they never think about, which was the whole point of people wanting money. But Money is not as cruel as beauty. You can literally turn money. Just take a bus instead of the BMW and see how you're treated. Immediate feedback. People with money know exactly what's happening, not just because they can try without it, but mostly because they pay for their privilege non-stop. Cash leaves their wallets to get them the things they, including their entourage. The beautiful woman doesn't have that. She doesn't spend her beauty. It's just there, all the time, undiminishing, doing the heavy lifting. Everyone just trusts her. She's always welcome. People are happier around her. Her only problem is that other women hate her. But only goes to reinforce the illusion that the whole thing was earned because she exerts effort into being unaffected by the jealousy. Those who earned their money didn't have it before, so they remember what it was like and enjoy every moment of their new reality. But you can argue that beauty is similar to inherited money. Maybe. But there's something about your skin and face and curves and hair that feels more you than your parents' money. Combine excessive beauty and money, and you have a truly alienating person. You just can't build rapport with them. Most people build rapport through shared suffering. Money and beauty remove most of those, so there's nothing to bond over. Money and beauty don't prevent death and sickness. But how big of a bond can you build around that? Real bonds are built around overcoming a common challenge or accomplishing a shared mission. Supporting each other in tough times is a product of the bond. It's a benefit. Perhaps it's the biggest benefit. Perhaps it magnifies the bonds. But it's not the source of the bond. For that, you need to live in a shared reality. Those who don't share our reality can't bond with us. They end up alienated and alienating. It's sad. I feel bad for them. ### Intelligence is also a handicap. I don't know what it's like to be in either camp. I guess I enjoy some benefits in each, so I do remind myself of that as much as possible. Where I do have an advantage is intelligence. It is a fact that the world has always been easier for me than most people. I never had to study. Never had to get a training or a certificate. It is just not required. I just understand quickly and permanently, and I enjoy the compounding advantage of this rapid, effortless learning. I also have a huge appetite for it. Intelligence is not even half of it. Attitude is also important. I was just raised with a complete, unshakable belief that I can. Can what? Doesn't matter. This, and some other aspects of my attitude, make me live life on easy mode in a way that's difficult to describe to people who don't enjoy a similar level of ease. It's the same way a beautiful woman lives life on easy mode, but in different contexts. I just don't even think about entire classes of problems because they aren't problems to me. I don't even notice them, and I'm always baffled when people tell me that they "Figured out" something. There is nothing earned about my intellectual advantage. None of it. It's all genes and upbringing. I take credit for everything I did as an adult, but it doesn't matter one bit if it's not for the mountain of unearned privilege underneath. It's actually a heavy burden. You feel responsible to do something with it. But I would argue that intelligence is not as tyrannical as beauty or money. For one, you're more intelligent and better at thinking, so you can see this better if you try. It's not hard to see. But the main distinguishing parameter is that being more intelligent doesn't make you more liked. I would argue that it does the opposite. Intelligent people probably find it harder to enjoy a healthy social life. So what do they do? They write about it like yours truly, or they develop a fucking personality. The reason beauty prevents people from developing vibrant and sophisticated personalities is that they are already liked to the greatest extent. They maxed out their likability. Having money gives you more friends, but it doesn't make them like you. Being smart makes you less relatable and makes many people actively dislike you. You just seem weird. Whereas being beautiful equals being liked. Not just that, but people associate all positive attributes without need for proof. The moment they walk through the door, the attractive are seen as kind, generous, thoughtful, patient, tasteful, and all kinds of angelic features. For the attractive, developing a nice personality is probably a downgrade in likability. I always said that if you're gonna look perfect, at least be a bitch so we can hate you. But if you look like an angel and behave like one, there's no friction there for any bond to crystallize around. Sounds wrong, but I bet I'm not the only one who feels that. Personalities are built around social pressure. If there is none, it becomes a very difficult mission, which explains a lot.